i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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