Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
