just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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