oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
