fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
