oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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