today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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