then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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