I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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