I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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