you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize