His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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