my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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