why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
