I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
