this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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