im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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