What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
