I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
