genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
