My ATM looks so different sober.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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