I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
