I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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