I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
