Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
