i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
