He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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