i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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