Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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