Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
