I CAN MOONWALK!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
the raccoons are back...
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