my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
