everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize