If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
