Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
