I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
