im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
