the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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