don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
