I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
