Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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