we have pet lesbian snakes
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize