I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
