end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
no, he came in my armpit
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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