this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize