I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
