I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
