I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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