I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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