I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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