Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
