He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
