well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have demons in me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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