you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
