Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
